I always find it fascinating how we have umpteen reasons for quitting a relationship, but usually only one reason for staying..."love."
Unfortunately, we have 6 billion relative conceptual renditions of "love" which seems to indicate that we don't have a clue as to what love is, if it can be defined absolutely or merely remain as relative as anything else that eventually fades away.
How can we go in search of love, when we have nothing but a trail of abstract platitudes for which to follow?
Many often go from one body to another in hopes of finally discovering that elusive experience called "love." At first it seems to magically appear causing a psychological swoon of temporary insanity. The ego-self is no longer as important and, in the initial stages, the egocentric goal of self-preservation/actualization seems to evaporate, if only for a time.
Nevertheless, eventually you resume your usual egocentric orientation to reality and gradually come to the realization that his/her love is not equivalent to yours. Subsequently, you also come to realize that your “needs” are not being met and as every ego-self knows, not to have needs met is not to self-actualize.
So how rigidly are you attached to your “needs”? Since that may become the deciding factor on whether you stay or you go and on whether you extend or contract. This is because egoic “love” is a business exchange and to invest demands a return on that investment. What the ego-self wants in return is that its “needs” are met. Unmet needs.. mean an un-actualized ego-self.
Maybe you can both agree to acknowledge that you have different renditions of love and discard them completely. This leaves you both open to discover love and allow it to take you by 'surprise.' It may actually be something you’ve never contemplated (agree to discard your love concepts and this is probably guaranteed).
In fact, love may have absolutely not a damn thing to do with getting your needs met. Now unmet needs are no longer the reason to quit and discovering love is a reason to stay.
Nevertheless, make no mistake, every relationship you quit is an assertion that you know what love is and the person you’re quitting doesn't…
…and that’s pretty damn arrogant of you, don’t you think?
The ego-self fears honesty and this is the chief cause of all your failed relationships. They have failed because of your dishonesty.
However, egoic dishonesty is not predicated on the ego committing a lie, but on the ego omitting itself. As long as thoughts are concealed the ego-self gains the delusion of safety.
Unfortunately, this makes you estranged from those you "love" and, ultimately, the world. Even though baselines interaction levels are high, disclosure remains surface and superficial.
The ego, or the identity that you insist is “you,” is ultimately defined by egocentric self-preservation. This egoic survival instinct is not simply concerned with bodily survival, since encounters with physical threats are rare. More often, the egos chief focus is psychological survival, which demands ever greater experiences of self-actualization, as opposed to self-diminishment.
The ego requires actualization of itself against its experience of a world and this actualizing is always in competition with other egos (in fact, ego actualization is little more than simply ‘rising above’ other actualizing egos through comparisons). The greater actualized an ego is, based on the worlds standards of "success," the greater the egocentric experience of “existing.” These are the finite games we play every day.
The more actualized the ego-self, the more you feel "alive" (learned behavior based on the world’s standards). “Loving” relationships help egos feel alive and aid in egocentric actualizing. Although the ego has no idea what “love” is (always defined in relative terms) it does have an obscure recognition that “love” is a powerful means of self-actualizing itself. Yet, it must use caution, since it fears this could ultimately destroy it....and it will.
Because the ego does not know what love is (merely senses the presence of something more powerful than itself), egoic love is always based on egocentric standards and conditions, causing conditional egic love to essentially fail to actualize the ego-self. Therefore, egoic “love” is no different then any other means of self-actualization, in that it is predicated on egocentric self-preservation and defines “love” in egocentric terms and conditions.
Initially, when you first met your “beloved” full disclosure was high on the ‘to-do list' and because of the immediate sense of self-actualization experienced by both, you both engaged in a high degree of honesty and self-exposure. You revealed all the thoughts in your head (well, almost all). Your past, your dreams and aspirations, and even your weaknesses, were fully exhibited to the loved one. This degree of honesty creates trust and trust leads to further honesty and disclosure.
Nevertheless, full honesty and disclosure is threatening to an ego preoccupied with self-actualization. All it took was one episode of perceived attack from the ‘beloved’ for the ego to begin limiting self-disclosure, thereby, impeding honesty. As a result, thoughts are made private and, gradually, communication becomes superficial and surface oriented.
Because the ego is a survival machine, your beloved easily detected your withholding, no matter how veiled and camouflaged. This precipitated his/her withdrawal in response and gradually over time, (because moments of honesty can result in severe conflict) the ego increasingly begins to perceive honesty as threatening to self-preservation.
Because of this alienation (from lack of honesty) omission becomes the norm and alienation dissolves intimacy and results in increasing estrangement. From this you are merely a hop, skip and jump away from dissolving all egoic remnants of “love” and the beloved gradually manifests as antagonistic, no longer deserving of honesty or trust. Now, you merely seek to avoid conflict and this requires thoughts remain increasingly more private.
This is how your most intimate relationships, which once provided the promise of awakening to a love without condition, became a conditional hell on earth. The ego shuts itself off from intimacy for the sake of self-preservation and fear is preserved and estrangement is always the result of fear. The ego demands that thoughts be protected and concealed and understanding dissolves into strangeness.
There is only one way to bridge the chasm of alienation and that is through honesty. But it is not the shallow or superficial honesty that renews and reconciles relationships, but the honesty that is absent all fear and allows complete vulnerability in its depth.But first,You must discover why you are protecting and from who...
Withhold the contents of your mind and you obstruct the Deep Understanding that two or more can realize and 'awaken' to. Seek to conceal your mind and you alienate yourself from those you’ve chosen to love and both you and they will suffer.
Against the ego’s protests you must free yourself from this self-imposed alienation and awaken to one unifying field of un-conditioned love. Deep Spirit communication requires that two minds be prepared to give and accept total honesty. Close off the mind by picking and choosing what can and cannot be communicated and estrangement becomes the norm and you will continue to wonder why all your relationships always seem to fail.
Without total honesty, you have yet to experience your only purpose....
The question persists…when will you realize that deeply engaging in relationship, with those who populate your personal experience of a ‘world,’ is the means to your awakening? When will it dawn on you that nothing else can suffice for the consistent joy you seek?
Yet, you continue to wring drops of momentary “happiness” out of everything but the relationships that have defined you (as you define them). As always you are disillusioned and disappointed by what you find.
The ego self-construct (that you identify with) is nothing more than a package of concepts that you believe is definitively YOU. Nevertheless, it was your experiencing 'others' that showed you how to be “you,” (simply by their being “them") In fact, you required the experiences of a whole world of ‘others’ for which to determine the defining aspects of “you.”
“You” are an ego that you claim, without a doubt, is your ‘self’ and none other. But it was everyone else that allowed “you” to assume a reality separate from others (as you allow them), but always in contrast to the identities they assert and actualize and that you believe as ‘real’ as you. You need to experience “them,” as they need to experience “you.”
But, now you seem to no longer require their assistance. Now you travel alone.
Somewhere, while learning to be you through experiencing “them,” you suffered and often suffered deeply. From that suffering, the ego determined that it was “they” who were to blame, because without them, how could you have suffered.
Although we all suffer, suffering cannot be shared. It is an exclusive interior experience closed off from the world. We wish to share our joy, but suffering is intensely personal, causing the ego-self to fortify and insulate itself against the world. To the ego-self, if it is ‘they’ who are cause of your suffering, then it is ‘they’ who cannot be trusted to assist with your pain. Therefore, it will limit all connection.
This is unfortunate, because the mutual experience of joining together in Deep Spirit is the awakening you desire and there can be no other path out of suffering but through them. Suffering is nothing more than the interpretation that “they” cannot help you and, therefore, “you” are all alone.
This is often why we see others suffer, but deny assistance in the hopeless belief that suffering is an undeniable part of the human condition. When actually, it is alienation and estrangement from one another that is the human condition and that, and only that, is why we suffer.
To deeply understand one another, to dwell in the space between minds, is to eradicate all suffering forever, because it annihilates fear. For centuries, we’ve traveled a million different roads as the way to salvation and the means to end our suffering. But each road brings us back to the pain that we started with. It’s not the road that need be changed, since all roads lead home. But you can't travel alone, because it is those around you who are the means to the end of suffering, no matter what road you travel.
