In many so-called 'loving' relationships there is often one partner who presents as the targeted defect, while the other partner seems to be a perfect rendition of an excellently qualified spouse/partner. One partner always seems the more guilty of the two.
The dynamics of this ego-game are fairly evident. Guilt is a game-stopper for the ego, which prides itself on its righteous innocence. Within all your control dramas is your demand for innocence and you will fight to maintain it. There is no good versus evil in your relationship. Only guilt versus innocence.
However, the only way you can be innocent, is through indicting the other as guilty. Look very closely at your indictments for you will discern your role in a domestic hell completely of your own making.
Of course, it's much easier to blame the other.
For you to gain control, you must prove my guilt, thereby reinforcing your innocence. The guilty control nothing, because they must be condemned and punished. Punishment in your relationship is nothing more than loss of control. Yet, the problem is complicity because you must convince the other that he or she is guilty. They must ‘own’ your indictment in order for you to take the reigns of power. How can you be innocent, if they refuse to be guilty?
Such is the end of domestic tranquility and the beginning of domestic hell.
I will not admit to your indictment, simply because, as an ego-self, I refuse to surrender power and give up what control I have secured. Thus we enter the cyclical battle field of attack-defend. We rarely tire of this war and we are forever vigilant of each others weaknesses for future assault.
- Is my drinking out of control? Well, you drive me to drink.
- Am I not involved with our children? Well, you have allied with them against me.
- Do I seem alienated and distant from you? Well, you made me that way with your constant criticism.
- I treat you harshly? But, that's how you treat me.
You would love to end this game, if only I would let you.
Nevertheless, this is your plea to innocence, because you would not engage in this battle if it was not for me. I need to change before you can change, yet I must see change in you before I can release you from guilt.
Thus, we are at an impasse. I will not give up the battle until you do and you will not seek peace until I lay down my arms.
We have two choices for peace in this never-ending battle of wills.
We either both accept our guilt or both accept our innocence. Either way, we must seek equality in order to end the cycle. If I admit my guilt, you must admit yours. This is the road to mutual innocence and the return of domestic tranquility.
But who first? Does my refusal to defend, end your attack and does this mean you have won?
Not if peace is the only objective. The compulsive circle of loving-war is mutually fueled by the egoic demand for control. But what are we seeking to control if not our own hell on earth? (and who wants control of that?!)
Our limited time could be so better spent learning how to love, as opposed to maintaining hate and fear. We both realize this fact, yet...
...If only you...
Peace Angels!
mikeS
